December 29, 2009

America, year zero

Obama reviews 2009:

Nobel Peace Prize - I feel very humble.

Copenhagen Global Warming - social democratic police clubbed eco-fascists in a freezing blizzard. How to frame that? Try 'China dazzled by America's first black President.'

Copenhagen Olympics - I was selling Chicago bull.

Afghanistan - the US military now has a clearly defined objective: do not embarrass me. The Taleban now has a clearly defined objective: wait for 18 months.

War on Terror - re-branded as 'lawsuits against mysteriously motivated mass murderers'. Nice alliteration. Somebody tell the Fort Hood guy and the underpants guy and KSM and Dick Cheney.

Israel - 4 per cent of Israelis think I'm on their side, but the religion of American Jews is Liberalism, so nuts to you, Netanyahu.

The Poles - I cancelled missile defence in Poland and Putin agreed to spend more on missile offence. We save, they spend. That's called 'finesse' in Harvard.

The Polls - things change... like voting registers, boundaries, subsidies to the MSM, votes for aliens, votes for convicts, votes for Mickey Mouse.

The Pols - sing it with gusto: "They can all be bought, tralala."

Speaking of Health Care - we bribed our own side's senators with money borrowed from China to be re-paid by our children so that they can buy compulsory health insurance or go to jail like it says in a penumbra to the Constitution. Yes we can.

TARP - Bush did it. Wait, it kindasorta looks as tho it worked. I did it.

The Economy - fuzzy math fixes all.

Iran - I ran.